Last week I introduced the topic and concluded that the idea that true happiness can be found only with someone else is a myth. In my opinion, marriage is not the end all and be all of life… I highlighted on the benefits of singlehood which are.. Self-improvement, self-development, enriching friendships and less headaches just to mention a few.. If you missed out on last week’s show you can click on the link Part 1
Today I will discuss the effects of seeing “single” as a “disease”, in other words the fear of being single…
(1)Neediness….. End up dating the emotionally unattached:
When we see single as a “disease”, we become needy. The greatest counterpart to someone needy is a partner who doesn’t need us.( the unavailable) This becomes a game of cat and mouse with the cat always chasing — but never catching — the mouse.
People who are needy are suffocating to be around. The problem is, needy people give control of their happiness away by making their own happiness dependent upon being loved by someone who they may or may not have a chance with.
If your partner doesn’t take the time to nurture you or the other relationships in their life, there is no way you are going to be “the one” to change them. This is about emotional maturity. The emotionally unavailable are not mature enough to sustain any more than a cat and mouse game. If you stay with someone like this, you will feel more alone than if you were single, but your fears of being alone keep you from seeing rejection as more painful than aloneness.
(2) Looking for external validation:
When you are scared of being single, you become needy as mentioned above then you constantly look for validation from other people in the long run in never comes, because you are communicating to the world, “I don’t have enough, so hopefully somebody else can come and fill me up and make me feel whole.” In a nutshell you constantly look for someone to feel that hole, to complete you…
(3) You will never be happy in a relationship:
If you can’t be happy being by yourself and accepting the fact you are single, you will never be happy in a relationship. Why? You are making your happiness dependent upon something happening that you have no control over. Only you can make you happy. At the end of the day, the events and circumstances of your life only have the meanings that you give them.
(4) We end up settling for less:
There was a research done by university of Toronto that demonstrated that the fear of being single predicts settling for less in romantic relationships, worrying about not having a romantic relationship may promote an approach that any relationship is better than no relationship at all…
Those who are less secure about their own value as romantic partners tend to be more willing to compromise their standards in a relationship like partner traits, such as intellect, attractiveness, social status, and interpersonal skills. In a nutshell those with stronger fear of being single will be willing to accept lower quality mates in order to avoid being single.
(5) Clinging on to unhappy relationships. Excusing the Unacceptable behaviour:
The fear of being alone can trap you into accepting treatment that is far below the standard of what you deserve and also keep you trapped in unhealthy relationships. If you find that you are constantly justifying and rationalizing your partner’s treatment by saying to yourself or to others that “nobody’s perfect,” or “it’s not that bad,” then you are running from your own insecurity into a relationship that will only create more insecurity for you. Further, justifying and staying in these dead-end relationships only keeps you from finding the right person for you. The fear of being alone makes us cling on to our ex’s even when we are in a relationship; we always try and keep a door open just in case we end up single again.
(6) You are never single longer than a week after a breakup
You never take time to heal after a breakup… according to experts it takes almost a year or more to heal depending on the circumstances or emotional condition of the persons involved..
Some people rush into another relationship within a week or two and always live by this old adage “It’s better to be with a warm body than being alone.”
Food for thought
If you can say “I am OK without a relationship,” then you’re ready for one! You’re OK being single—not in a resigned or defeated way. It’s more about one having a deep knowing of who you are, your purpose and that while you desire love, you won’t allow yourself to be miserable while you’re single.
– Alanna Levenson
Next week I will discuss ways to enjoy and embrace singlehood.