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love addiction

A brief recap on what we have been discussing over the past 2 weeks …

Love addiction is a behaviour where someone is addicted to the feelings of being in love the addiction is used to cover up some unmet needs in the person’s  life…. they are so consumed with the other person, that it begins to affect their well-being.. they ignore friends, work, family and so on…Once in a relationship, they feel they can’t live without the other person and they do whatever  they can to keep the relationship going.

If that doesn’t work, they panic and will do whatever they have to do to get into a new relationship.

If you missed out on the last 2 articles on love addiction you can click on the link below… I discussed types  and the causes of becoming a relationship addict
Are you a love or relationship addict? (part 1)
Are you a love or relationship addict?(part 2)

in this article the finale of this series i will discuss

Ways to manage/cure love addiction   what are they?

(1)Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all

Most of us go into co-dependent,   addictive relationship because we have such low self-esteem, we believe that someone out there will heal us and make us feel whole, but that person is not out there. No one can meet our deepest needs, no one can feel that hole, no one can feel the ache in our hearts….no matter how hard we try, but yet we keep on searching. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.  The only problem with love addiction is there isn’t even a needle to be found

Learn to love yourself.  How can you expect someone to love you if we don’t love yourself… treat yourself like your own best friend, be the lover you have butterfly feelings for… give yourself hugs .. Embrace your pain do not run away from it,  cry if you have to and don’t pretend you are strong when you are not… Look after your body, it is a sacred temple and a car to use on mother earth, there are no spare parts, exercise, eat healthy… Stare clear of toxic negative people in your life… you can check this article out on loving yourself…. Feeling Incomplete

(2)The gaping hole fill it with a higher power:

The gaping hole that we constantly walk around with… looking for someone to fill it, griping tightly to our umbilical cord looking for someone to plug it into.. it can only be plugged or filled up by a higher power/God/higher self/Allah/ the universe..  An intimate relationship with this higher power will provide solace, comfort, guidance because it wants the best for us.. it is an important step towards being intimate with others.   Feed our souls with spiritual practice such as worship, prayer, scripture reading… It brings peace. Meditation/prayers has been proven to bring more peace and actually can change our brain waves.

(3) Have realistic expectations:

From childhood  we are fed by the media (Hollywood and romantic novels( mills and boons)) on what an ideal relationship is supposed to be like….

So we go about expecting one person to be completely at our disposal and expect more from a relationship than a relationship can deliver… we fall for the Hollywood and romantic novel fantasy that the perfect lover should love us no matter what…

Then when our partners fail to meet these expectations, we feel betrayed, frustrated, angry; and eventually form a conclusion that the expectations aren’t being met because we have done something wrong-we turn it on ourselves.

(4) Learn to understand what it means to be in a healthy relationship

A relationship does not define you it should be a bonus in your life… healthy relationships are based on communication and boundaries…

By communication we mean having a deep understanding and connection with each other e.g. treat each other with respect, speak openly to one another about your thoughts and feelings , listen and compromise, support each other and celebrate each other’s accomplishments..

By setting healthy boundaries.. we should be able to express to our partners what we are and we are not comfortable with when it comes to sex, finances, family and friends, personal space and time e.g. Allowing each other to spend time with friends and family, trust each other, do not pressure the other to do things they do not want to do…

(5)Get in touch with negative thoughts that may be affecting you.

From childhood we might have formed some negative thoughts about ourselves which now live in the subconscious mind; this has now formed part of our belief system like, “I’m not loveable”, “I’m not important”, or “I’m ugly”. This normally affects what we attract into our lives..  Spend time by paying attention to those thoughts, write them down and replace them with positive thoughts. Like “I am loveable”, “I am valuable” etc.

(6)Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life

King Solomon, whose has been called the wisest man in the Bible, made that statement…. We all have an emotional desire to love and be loved…. The desire is strongest when we coming out of a broken relationship.

But we should be very careful… Emotionally, our hearts are extremely fragile and can be easily hurt, therefore sending us in the wrong direction of life. Our innermost being started out as a beautiful creation of God, but with wrong choices we can easily trash it and leave it sick and in great need.

many of us  simply throw our hearts away allowing  ourselves to be repeatedly hurt while trying to soothe  our broken heart.  We go from one relationship to another to another to another on the treadmill of tragedy.

Before long, our whole life is ruined. “…there is more to life than…your partner. To have them playing god is too much to ask.    Address the problem and take time to heal. If you don’t, it could be worse and you could lose everything plus more… If you don’t guard your heart, you could end up losing what’s most important in life – love.

(7) Look for a pattern.

Are there similarities between your experiences as a child and your relationships as an adult? Consider how your past experiences may influence your current choices so you can be more aware in future relationships. Have you been dating the same kind of guys going round the same mountain….. sit back and observe yourself….

(8)  Don’t be scared of being alone

When you’re feeling alone or scared, find opportunities to spend time with others in a healthy environment. This may include volunteer work or participating in support groups.

Remember that being alone does not mean you are worthless or undeserving of love. Find ways to fill your time by making time to focus on something you are passionate about or that gives you a strong sense of purpose. Learn something new that you enjoy. Focusing on a new task or project is a great way to ward off intrusive thoughts…

 

Food for thought:

So where does the healing for love  addiction begin?

It begins by admitting our hearts are priceless, and affect every area of our lives. We must make a commitment to protect our hearts and not just throw them away looking for love in people and places where love cannot be found. Let us all respect our own hearts.

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